Dear Cave-Lad,

I know you’ve just turned 3 and that’s a big deal (That was a really awesome teddy bear cowboy cake, huh?), but birthday is today too and I just wanted to send along some advice to help you through the next 18 years. Getting from where you are right now to where I am right now is a strange experiance and I just want you be prepared.

Listen carefully, I won’t be repeating myself:

-“Old” movies are great.

-Mom and Dad are splitting in 4 years. It is not your fault.

-Stop crying about not getting your own way. No one gets their own way.

-You will find out soon that you get motion sick. Don’t read in the car and avoid theme park rides that spin.

-Do your homework.

-The internet is coming soon, and it is fucking wild!

-Don’t be afraid to express yourself.

-Avoid irony as a philosophy. It’ll only serve to make you look stupid.

-Red-heads are crazy (in a good way).

-Books are awesome. Read as much as possible.

-Enjoy the moments in life where things just work right.

-Stay away from Watermelon Vodka. Trust me on this.

-Laugh. Things in life are funny. Don’t be so sad all the time.

There is a lot more that, but you’re going to have to figure out the rest by yourself. Think of it like a game. You like games, right?

Stay awesome.

Your friend,

Matthew “Vintage Caveman” Becker