Vintage Caveman

I’ve always wondered why more “things” don’t have names, and whenever I find myself bored or needing something to distract me from the agonizing hum drumness of work I like to name those “things”.

Below is what I like to call Vintage Caveman’s “Glossary of Terms”. Feel free to add your own thoughts and to use my terms in your daily life.

The Kramer Continent:

When a neighbor with no obvious job can afford things like globe hopping trips, and lives a generally easier life than you could ever wish for.

The Burton-Bonham Carter Complex:

When an actress/actor offers favors (usually of a sexual nature) for continual placement in a director’s movies.

Sporadic Bacon Syndrome:

When one who enjoys bacon has the chance to enjoy bacon presented to them very infrequently.

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Tomorrow: Caveman…the Dark Knight?

• Friday, I finally scraped together enough money to pay off the college for my second semester.
• Saturday, the college finally releases my second semester grades…

Ladies and Gentlemen I know I posted this earlier on BetheMarriage Live on Ice and shortly after on Twitter but…I got an A in my College Writing class. I know you wunderkinds out there in Internet Land think I’m making a big deal out of nothing, but this is huge for me.

While I was in high school I absolutely hated to write…anything. I’d go out of my way to half ass my way through an assigned essay or not to do the essay at all. I just couldn’t focus on writing something I wasn’t committed with.

I think I can attribute my change of heart, oddly enough, to this whole blog thing. For the first time I realized that I could write about literally anything I wanted (which obviously helped). The more I wrote about whatever I wanted, the more a long buried voice emerged and the more I enjoyed what I did. Plus, the whole network of people commenting on what I write really spurs me on to the next blog post.

I currently have no aspirations to become a writer in the near future, but with the industry I hope to get in to one day it helps to be able to write and not have people vomit with rage over it…

Those in the know have some idea of my Internet problems, and it’s…problematic.

Fortunately, sometime within the next couple days I am switching back to a cable DSL. Unfortunately, I can’t post anything of any substance until my internets get better…

Just letting you know that I’m still alive, and plan on being so for a good long while.

Also..

Your votes helped me in to the finals of Antisocial Networking’s Nerd Crush contest and I need your help once again. The final round of voting ends Thursday at 12 PST.

PATTON!

*The title is actually a double reference: “I ain’t dead yet, Motherfucker!” is the title of a documentary about Richard Pryor, and “I’m not dead yet” is a famous quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

DVC00133

Originally uploaded by Vintage Caveman

I hope you all have a happy and safe 4th of July.
As to why I posted a picture of of a mountain….beats me.
It is a nice picture…

*Today’s post is best read if you picture me in front of a giant flag (like in Patton), and if you start humming “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” riggghhhht now…

In the regular course of human events it is required to support one’s beliefs by voting.

My post “Nerd At First Sight” has made it to the the semi-finals of Antisocial Networking’s Nerd Crush contest, and it will stay a semi-finalist forever unless you do something about it. Right now I ask, no implore as I’ve done before to go directly from here straight to Antisocial Networking and vote (for me)!

Heck, I don’t even care if you vote for me (I’m lying, I do care).. If you hated my post there are a a bunch of others to chose from.

Voting ends Thursday 12pm PST. Get your vote in for whoever before then, and have that that painful weight lifted.

Good Night, and God Bless…

For Antisocial Networking’s “Nerd Crush” contest:

I believe a nerd crush can be defined as either a crush a nerd would have, or a crush on a nerd. You should be able to trust that I’ve had plenty of both…

Over the years I can remember a number of crushes I had that could considered overly “nerdy” or “geeky” but the nature of a “crush” allows it change and adapt so constantly its hard to keep tabs on my year to year intrests. Current nerd crushes of mine could include:

• Kristen Bell for her role in Heroes and future role in the super geek movie “Fanboys”
• Zooey Deschanel for Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and her beautifully nerdy/outcast role in “The New Guy”
• and finally Liz Sherman the fictional comic book super heroine who lives is a dark/dank world populated by mythical and highly dangerous creatures (and I guess Hellboy is there too…)

The women listed above may be beautiful, intelligent, talented, and able to set things on fire with their minds but they can barely hold a candle (Hehehe…get it? Candle..) to the wonder that was my first nerd crush: Miss Yvonne Craig.

Yvonne Craig is better known to the 1967-68 television audience as Batgirl…I know the woman who played Batgirl isn’t a very surprising nerd crush coming from me, but bare with me for a second..

What was I saying again? Ummm, oh yea…

I discovered the lovely Miss Craig around 14 years ago, one Saturday morning. I was flipping through channels looking for the ever elusive “Saturday Morning Cartoon” when I stumbled on a live-action Batman. The sheer 60’s television violence and the whole Batman-ness drew me in but the thing that captivated me was Batgirl. I don’t know what it was but there hasn’t be a red-head that could make me go all “googley eyed” like her since..

My God, look at that smile…

Retrocrush’s photo gallery

A scene from my life…

Tuesday, June 17th
Roughly 5:30 pm

Moments after the dental hygienist has finished torturing me to discover the location of the Sankara stones* the dentist saunters in…
My dentist is your standard big practice, fancy car, summer vactions in the islands kinda guy and he looks at me with a general disinterest.

While he sets up behind me I quitely wait.

That chair-head-rest-thing goes down and my dentist looks down at me with a pair of over-sized jewlers glasses. Not giving him the chance to get one of those giant metal hooks near my mouth I look back up at him, smile, and say:
“What’s up doc?”

He gives me a half hearted chuckle, furrows his brow, and replies dryly:
“How long have you’ve been waiting to say that?”

I sigh, and turn back toward the window:
“All day…”

Suddenly the dentist hooks me like a carp and I slowly fade into a sea of blood, and large sharp “instruments”. My last coherent thought for the next half an hour that didn’t begin with “ow” was:
“Totally worth it…”

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*I’m sorry. For some reason I’m in a weird Spielberg funk.

I got the computer game “Zoo Tycoon” last week to help me unwind from a long day at work. (Don’t look at me like that! It was $9.99 at Staples.)

After 10 minutes I got bored caring about…everything so I tore down the Bengal Tiger cage. I spent 20 more minutes watching tigers chase/maul park guests.

I paused for a second, and thought: “Wow, so this is how God feels most of the time.”

June 17th- Lucio Fulci is one of a number of film idols of mine, and holds the esteem of being the director of one of the most horrifying, frighting, and gory movies I’ve ever seen: Zombi 2.

June 18th- Will Betheboy is a friend-of-blog, and the author of my favorite story ever: A Merry Little Person Christmas.

June 19th- Friends-of-blog The CDP and Mrs. CDP got married 4 years ago today. I know it isn’t technically a birthday, but I write this blog and you don’t…

Happy Birthday/Anniversary everyone!

A couple of weeks ago I was watching the History Channel and interesting commercial popped up:

This caught me off guard because the “Cavemen” television show never had timing, or dull wit to make me laugh like I did when I first saw this commercial. Of course I’ve only seen the show once (I thought the irony was too painful), but from what I seen it was destine to be a failure.

Dry acting, bad writing, and an overall strange/undeserved air of superiority drove away what limited audience a TV show about cavemen would have. If they focused on better writing than just hoping that the plot would just imply funny, and shifted their direction towards a more sitcom style they could’ve done a lot better.

Heck, I could do better… Which is why I wrote the following e-mail.

Dear ABC,

Upon witnessing the Gieco/History Channel joint commercial I realized that you severely mishandled the television series known as “Cavemen”. The plot behind the show was incredibly shaky to begin with, and then you started to crap all over it.

Right now I’m offering you a one time deal: Give me complete creative control and 6 episode re-commitment, and I will at least double whatever investment you lay on the table.

If you are worried about my age or general experience, remember this, no one else offered… You don’t even have pay me conventually: All I require is an assistant for me, an assistant for my writing partner Ophelia, a Station wagon filled half way with gummy worms , 13 boxes of Ritz crackers, a Macbook, and all meals/general expenses/Internet purchases paid for.

I am waiting for your reply.

(and remember: No one else offered)

Your friend,

Vintage Caveman